A review of the classic Wrestlemania arcade game. By the way, who came up with “Doink the Clown” and what the fuck were they smoking?

As you may or may not be aware, I have been tearing up old arcade games for the past couple of months via MAME. It’s honestly the best thing ever and I can’t wait till the CPS3 games are emulated. Plus, I am really thinking about building an arcade cabinet… or at least buying an old one, gutting it, and making the ultimate mame machine. (This is just a pipedream and will probably never happen.)

While my interest in wrestling has waned over the years, I still like to play wrestling games on a regular basis. I was really glad I came across Wrestlemania. Not to be confused with the old school NES game, this version of Wrestlemania was put out by Midway in the mid-90s. It used the same digitized graphics system that Midway used in Mortal Kombat, and resembles Mortal Kombat in many aspects.

The gameplay in Wrestlemania moves at a much faster pace than most wrestling games. Also, many of the characters attacks go beyond just normal punching and kicking and incorporate each wrestler’s gimmicks. Like how the Undertaker will actually use a tombstone to hit people in the head or how Doink will hit someone with a hammer or how Lex Luger will have heroin needles stuck in his arms.

I haven’t watched wrestling in a few years, but this game came out during a time when I was into sports entertainment, so I recognized all of these guys. A quick rundown of the cast:

+ Doink was a clown who wrestled. I was always more of a WCW fan, so I saw Doink as one of those crazy McMahon inventions that us Southerners would never understand.

+ Razor Ramon was the shit. I loved the whole Scott Hall/NWO thing, but I was really sad to see the character of Razor discontinued after he jumped the WWF ship. It’s also a shame that Scott is a huge alcoholic who can’t get his shit together because he really is an entertaining wrestler when his perpetual 5 o’clock shadow isn’t caked in his own vomit.

+ Yokozuna was a sumo wrestler. He was another gimmick that I never really got. Yokozuna was the predecessor for Rikishi who loves to dance and rub his ass in people’s faces. Did Yokozuna ever do this? If he didn’t, he should have. Just the thought of Doink getting wedged between the ass cheeks of a 600 pound man while Mr. Fuji is cackling makes me giddy. Now that is comedy right there folks and probably one of the few ways Doink could have made me laugh.

+ Bam Bam Bigelow was one of those wrestlers that has been around forever. He was even in the original Wrestlemania NES game. I remember because he would do these mean-ass cartwheels. Wow, I just wikepedia’ed Bam Bam Bigelow and he has apparently passed away. This is the second person who has died that’s in this game.

+ I think the Undertaker is the worst gimmick in the history of wrestling ever, that Mark Calaway is a horrible wrestler, and I honestly don’t understand his appeal. That’s all I have to say about him.

+ I don’t know what I can say about Shawn Michaels that can’t be said in the lyrics for Sexy Boy:

Oh, oh Shawn

I think I’m cute.
I know I’m sexy.
I’ve got the looks,
That drive the girls wild
I’ve got the moves, that really move ‘em.
I send chills up.
Up and down their spines.

I’m just a sexy boy,
Sexy boy
I’m not your boy toy,
Boy toy
I’m just a sexy boy,
Sexy boy
I’m not your boy toy,
Boy toy

I make ‘em hot.
I make ‘em shiver.
Their knees get weak,
Whenever I’m around.
They see me walk,
They hear me talk,
I make ‘em feel,
Like they’re on cloud nine

I’m just a sexy boy,
Sexy boy
I’m not your boy toy,
Boy toy
I’m just a sexy boy,
Sexy boy
I’m not your boy toy,
Boy toy

Eat your heart out girls
Hands off the merchandise

+ FUCK YOU LEX LUGER FOR KILLING MISS ELIZABETH AKA THE PERFECT WOMAN.

+ I’m glad that Bret “the Hitman” Hart was in this game. I always thought that he was a great wrestler and all around decent guy. Plus, with Shawn Michaels in the same game, you can re-enact him getting screwed over and over and over.

Wrestlemania was a very entertaining arcade game and I remember playing the hell out of it back in the day. It has been ported to several systems, so tracking down a copy of the rom for MAME, Snes, or Genesis shouldn’t be too much of a problem. It doesn’t hold up as well as some titles, like Super Fire Pro or Tecmo World Wrestling, and that might be due to the fact that it doesn’t have that “wrestling-game feel”, but it’s a worthwhile way to waste your Sunday afternoon before the Sopranos series finale comes on.

Score: 6.5

Related Posts:

→ Martial Masters
→ Tecmo World Wrestling
→ Hotel Dusk: Room 215
→ Ron Artest: Fever