Hmmm… I wonder if there was ever a male medusa who looked in his pants and got a permanent hard-on.

One of my all time favorite toylines has to be Voltron. The figures were incredibly detailed, and they were made out of metal, which made them really dangerous when you throw them. And I haven’t even gotten to talking about the shooting lion heads (which I always managed to lose).

The cartoons weren’t that bad either. I remember it came on at like 5 in the morning on Saturday morning, and I would wake up early to watch it. I suppose that was all during my robot phase. Of course, I would watch anything dealing with robots: from Transformers to even the Go Bots.

A lot of you are probably familiar with the general formula used in Voltron by watching the Power Rangers. There are five different colored warriors who ride big robots. An enemy comes to town and fucks shit up. The heroes arrive, and just when it seems like they’ve beaten the monster, the tide turns and it grows into a much larger size. The heroes unite into one big badass robot and then kills the monster. Everybody laughs. The end.

The Power Rangers and Voltron weren’t the only shows based on this. There was a boatload of them coming out of Japan, and even the Planeteers played around with this formula, but all that is best left for another day. Let’s move unto the review. I can already tell this is gonna be a long one…

The episode starts off with Prince Zartan scouring old planets for some monsters he could use to destroy Planet Arus. He stumbles across Planet Medusa, and finds a… uhm… Medusa.

Zartan goes and shows his father, King Zarkon, the medusa, and Zarkon is immediately impressed by the medusa’s snake hair and its ability to turn stuff into stone. Pretty standard medusa stuff.

Hmmm… I wonder if there was ever a male medusa who looked in his pants and got a permanent hard-on. He wouldn’t even need Viagra anymore. Oh well, maybe I’ll write an in depth article about that another day…

Back on Planet Arus, the Voltron crew are rounding up orphans to be adopted. You see, since the future is a nasty place, many kids will be have no parents, because they will have been killed, or ran away with the circus.

Which brings us to Pidge. For those of you that don’t know, Pidge was the little boy who piloted the green lion. He was normally found playing with rats and being Hunk’s bitch. You see, Pidge too is an orphan, but luckily, he got to control a gigantic metallic feline.

Just as they are setting up babies for adoption, Zartan launches an attack using his new secret weapon.

The medusa ends up whupping the V-crew’s ass. They realize that in order to beat the medusa, they will have to form Voltron. Of course, the medusa is aware of this tactic because she has seen the 100 other episodes, so she knocks out the green lion, and prevents Voltron from forming.

She then picks up Pidge and seemingly disappears, causing the four other members of the V-crew to shit in their pants. By the way, if you haven’t noticed, I’m gonna call the Voltron team the V-crew, because that’s what I always called them as a kid, even though it isn’t right.

When Pidge wakes up, he sees the huge monster and is really scared. Just when he thinks the medusa, named Anga, is about to eat him, she instead mothers and pampers him, thus bringing the story full circle. You see, now, Anga gets to be the mother Pidge never had.

At first, Pidge is not pleased by this and calls her a “dirty bitch” and causes Anga to cry. Okay maybe he didn’t call her a dirty bitch, but she does cry. No really she does, I even capped the tears.

Meanwhile, Zartan realizes that without all five lions, the V-crew is pretty much out of commission and sends in his next Ro-Beast. I couldn’t get a good screenshot, but I swear, it looks like if a blue goomba with shoulderpads.

All seem grim for our heroes. First the have to volunteer to help a bunch of ophans. Then one of their members gets adopted by a gigantic beast. And now, they are getting their asses handed to them by a goomba. Sometimes, life doesn’t seem fair.

Just when it can’t seem like it can get any worse, it does. Hagar, the resident evil witch, decides to come and turn Anga evil again. Well not if Pidge can do anything about it. He defends his new mom, but falls short when Hagar manages to give her a fatal wound.

The other members of the V-crew finally are able to get in touch with Pidge via the personal communicator and tells Pidge that he needs to get back on the double so that they can form Voltron. But Pidge is a little kid with short legs, and there’s no way he could make it all the way in time.

Then Anga, despite being seriously wounded, offers to carry Pidge to his lion. Along the way, Pidge falls asleep on Anga’s back and begins to get really in touch with her. She manages to carry him all the way to Pidge’s fat ride, but passes out on the ground.

AWE YEAH!!! I guess you guys no what this screen means. It’s kinda like the deus ex machina for the Voltron series.

Blue goomba imediately gets his beaten to a bloody pulp, and the day is saved. Anga fully recovers and is sent back to her planet. Pidge gets kissed by a bunch of mutant mice. Everybody is happy.

The Green Medusa is probably one of the more well written Voltron episodes. I even remember watching this one as a kid and really liking it. Instead of the normal formula that the producers always seemed to use, they mixed it up a little, and it worked. Well, at least it was alot better than the time Hunk decided to go on a diet.

Score: 8.4

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