Optimus Prime gets laid!!!

Since I currently have the biggest case of writer’s block ever in the history of internet bloggers, and because I want to exploit the new Transformers movie as much as possible, I’ve decided to repost all of my reviews of the old Transformers cartoon. Keep in mind that these are all pretty old and hastily written by me while under the influence of Surge soda and diet pills. Enjoy!

Transformers: The Search for Alpha Trion

Today’s Tranformer episode synopsis will be unlike any other ones I have done so far. I promise. For one, it has female Transformers. Another reason is you get to see Optimus Prime getting laid. In case you think I’m just randomly typing in shit like I normally do, let me type it again:

Optimus Prime gets laid!!!

I’m so serious, it’s not even funny. If you think it’s just another one of my schemes to get you to read my articles… well… maybe it is. But who cares. OPTIMUS PRIME IS FREAKIN’ DA HOES!!! No where else on the net will you be able to find somebody who said that…

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I have reached a new low.

At any rate, today’s synopsis is going to be a dandy. Why? Because I am the only person under the age of 55 that still uses the word dandy. And also because it is proof that the Autobots weren’t gay. Except for Tracks of course. This is important because it makes me, a 20-something year old who still plays with his toys, feel more secure about his sexuality. Read on people, and see what you get when you mix old TF cartoons and premium vodka.

The episode opens up with a group of female Autobots making a raid on a Decepticon base on Cybertron. They’re running low on energon, and need more in order to continue fighting. I was going to name the three who went to get the energon, but they are pretty much unimportant.

One name that you do need to know is Aleeta One. She’s the head of the female Autobots. Her name reminds me alot of Leader 1 from the Go Bots. I wonder if Hasbro was trying to make fun of them or something? I now have an image of Leader 1 in drag in my head now. Ugh. It is unfun.

Moving on, Shockwave comes back and discovers these hoes trying to take his loot and is furious. He chases them off, but is able to get a fix on the location of their secret base. Shockwave radios Megatron on Earth, informing Megsy of this. Megatron sees a golden opportunity, and sends Shockwave some support.

Before I move on any further, I just gotta say that Shockwave is one of the most under rated Transformers. It really is a shame that they didn’t use him more in the cartoons. The toy was great (ten times cooler than the Megatron toy), and he was purple. My tongue is purple right now. Stacy is purple too.

Starscream, Astrotrain, Rumble, and one of the million jet Decepticons who isn’t Starscream arrive on Cybertron via the Space Bridge. If you aren’t familiar with TF lore, the Space Bridge is a Decepticon device that allows movement between Earth and Cybertron.

The four attack the female Autobots’ headquarters and manage to capture Aleeta One. Rumble uses his earthquake causing ability to trap the remainder of the female Autobots withing their own base. Megatron then contacts Optimus Prime on Earth and offers prime and ultimatum: surrender within two hours, or Aleeta dies!

I swear, I’ve never seen Optimus Prime in such a rush before, and I’m not just saying that because I don’t remember a time. Lately, I’ve been going back and watching all the episodes, and this one is number 53. I have no life. I guess since the guy has been stranded on Earth for a million years, he’s been pretty hard up for some tail. He could have been like Seaspray and found a mermaid, but that Optimus is one picky guy.

In the past, Optimus Prime and Aleeta One had some kinda love thang going on. When the Autobots were leaving Cybertron way back in the first episode, Optimus told Aleeta to say on Cybertron to continue the fight while he was gone.

Optimus Prime runs over to the Space Bridge to get back to Cybertron all by himself, not the smartest idea if you ask me. Of course the Decepticons have set up an ambush and manage to capture Prime.

Of course, no villain can resist setting up an overly elaborite death for when the capture the hero. I wonder do they teach that villain school? Starscream and Co. get a big vat of acid which they plan on dropping Prime into. They also make sure Aleeta One watches, just to torture her.

What they don’t know is that Aleeta One has this special power where she can freeze time and make a bunch of ripples on the screen so I can’t see what the hell is going on. She rescues Prime just as he is about to drop into the acid. This victory doesn’t come without a price though. You see, whenever Aleeta One uses this power, it drains so much energy, it puts her on the verge of death. Only Alpha Trion can save her now…

Optimus picks her up and begins hauling ass. He manages to find Alpha Trion in some run down part of Cybertron. Alpha Trion then tells Optimus that the only way to save Aleeta is that he “links up” with her, i.e. sex.

Yeah Baby!!! The money shot! There are a lot of kids who come here, so I guess you’ll just have to go else where if you want to see the whole entire picture. I am a responsible adult, and I don’t want to soil any young minds. Optimus Prime pulls out his power diffuser (penis) and then plugs it into Aleeta One’s data port (vagina), and he manages to bring her back to life (orgasm).

Like I said in the teaser, I think I have hit a new low. I’m pretty sober right now, and I almost wished that I didn’t start working on this article. Almost, but not quite. I bet the majority of the first time readers on this site will think I am some kinda freak now. I just wanted to say that, “Yeah, I am. But I can get a whole lot freakier. Freak in the morning. Freak in the evening.”

Oh what the hell. Here’s the image in all it’s uncensored glory, but don’t say that I didn’t try not to put it up. I can only imagine the weird google references I will get because of this article.

To wrap the episode up, the female Autobots get free, and some Autobots from Earth go through the Space Bridge and kick some Decepticon ass. The day is saved. Hooray!

I know I say this about every single TF episode I do, but this one was good. When this episode originally aired, Transformers had been on for a few seasons. It was one of the last episodes that starred the original group since interest was waning and Hasbro needed to sell more toys. Most of the episodes during this season weren’t all that great, but this one really stood out. Plus, Optimus Prime was having hot sex0r!!! You can’t beat that with a stick my friends… you just can’t…

Score: 8.1

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