These girls spread more than just holiday cheer.

I haven’t had the chance to sit down and write up anything this week, so here’s more filler from kontona.

By the way, I know I haven’t been doing a good job of plugging the forums, but everyone should check them out. There is a lot of free porn there. Or not.

The Tits That Saved XXX-Mas These girls spread more than just holiday cheer.

Ah Christmas. Despite my true religion being a cross between Norse mythology and my unhealthy obsession with MTV Jams, this time of year always brings a smile to my face. Even with the rampant commercialism, the shitty weather, and the fact that I usually get crappy presents that fills my heart with rage, I still get excited whenever December 25th rolls around.

In today’s article, I’m going to review a little movie that is destined to become a classic, much like those Charlie Brown specials or the Grinch or whatever; the Tits that Saved XXX-mas. I mean, with a title like that, how can it not? This movie stars 4 of my favorite porn stars, Kiki D’aire, Chloe Dior, Rebecca Love, and the extremely talented Ava Divine who plays the role of Mrs. Santa Claus. Let’s get on with the review shall we…

Mrs. Santa Claus is extremely worried. You see, Santa Claus is missing the “magic” and Mrs. Claus doesn’t know how to give it to him. And of course, Santa’s sleigh can’t possibly rise without “magic.” She consorts with her helpers who tell her not to worry, that they’ll enlist the help of the elves to help Mrs. Clause find her magic.

Hmmm… when I really think about it, maybe it wasn’t a good idea to try to review this particular movie. I mean I could probably sum up the plot in a sentence. But oh well, I try my best to stretch out that one sentence into a thousand word poorly written essay.

KiKi confronts one of Santa’s helpers who can think of a few ways that Mrs. Claus can give Santa some holiday cheer. Okay he only comes up with one, tits, but hey, if you’re going to come up with a solution, I can’t think of a better one. Then Kiki and the helper proceed to get it on.

A constant throughout the entire movie is this little dwarf. I don’t know what purpose he serves besides copping a feel whenever he gets a chance. And no, he’s not in any of the scenes of this movie, so no freaky midget sex.

One person suspiciously absent from this film is Santa Clause himself. I mean, what gives?! Ron Jeremy would have made the perfect Santa… and in a stretch, Peter North has the perfect name for the part. Lexington Steele would also have been another suitable since he’s been down more chimneys than anyone can count.

Okay I just got depressed because I know more about male pornstars than any straight male should. : (

By the way, Coca Cola invented Santa Clause and Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer was invented by Montgomery Wards. It’s true. Well, at least half of it is.

Chloe Dior also figures out how to spread holiday magic. I know this was made a couple of years ago, and I don’t know if Chloe is still in the business, but man, she’s put on quite a few pounds since I last saw her in something. She’s still hot and all, and doesn’t approach BBW status yet, but it seems like she really loves her some bacon.

Next up are these two. This part of the movie actually had some decent acting… for a porn. The helper gives Rebecca a double-ended glass dildo. What lady wouldn’t love that for a present? Then they fuck. And fuck. And then they fuck some more.

Mrs. Claus is trimming her tree when the head helper elf comes in. Mrs. Claus is still extremely upset that she can’t give Santa any magic and she doesn’t know what to do. The helper tries to comfort Mrs. Claus and tells her that she has been looking for no reason, that she has the magic all along, and that the magic has always been with her…

at least since her last visit to her plastic surgeon. You see, the magic is in her tits, and that’s how she can get Santa’s sleigh to rise once more. Then they start getting it on.

The European guy that plays the helper has the thickest accent ever and his acting, unlike the last scene, is really bad, even for porn. I expected him to say “In Soviet Russia, big breast squeeze you.”

The movie ends at this point. And not a moment to soon. All is well in the world and it seems that Santa is ready to make his journey. Hooray!

Aside from its novelty value, there’s no real reason to watch this movie. The four women have enough plastic in them to manufacture a million Metroplexes, and aside from maybe Chloe, they’re not even that attractive. I guess if you’re into chunkier women, this movie might be for you, but I like my women like I like my men, with penises.

Score: 2.0

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