Okay I admit, I watch one of those crappy reality shows aimed at teenage girls on MTV. But it is really good. Honestly it is.

I know that this is an odd topic to write about, but I fucking LOVE the Hills. I know I know, I am a grown man, and yet, I obsess over a questionable reality show about a bunch of rich teenage girls. (At least I think they’re all teenaged.) I was never a fan of Laguna Beach (from which the Hills spun off of…), but I am really into this show. The characters are oh so delicious and I think that I may be in love with Heidi. But we’ll get more into that later. The season premiere was last Monday, and I was really glad because it comes up just the perfect time to fill up the void left in my life by the cancellation of the OC.

By the way, this post contains spoilers and I will have assumed you’ve already watched it.

First off, I’m glad that Lauren and that Jason guy are over. I absolutely cannot stand the guy. He has these Federline-esque qualities about him that make me want to vomit. I have a feeling he’s going to be in a couple of episodes before it is all said and done.

Lauren doesn’t take the breakup well, but whatever. Good riddance. I mean, she passed up on Paris for the guy…

A point which her boss makes abudently clear. She invites Whitney and Lauren into her office and talks to Whitney about her summer in Paris and labels Lauren as “the girl who didn’t go to Paris”. Man what a bitch. Last season there wasn’t a lot of work related drama… I sure hope that there’s more this year.

Oh Whitney, you’re absolutely stunning. Honestly SO pretty. But you’re even prettier when you don’t say anything. You’re about as vapid as they come. Serious. I could feel my brain rotting whenever you talked. You even made Paris seem dull and boring. I know you are primarily there to just serve as more eye candy, but for once could you not have that “Where am I?” look on your face? Just once? Also, marry me.

The main drama in the first episode revolves around this douche. I can’t think of his name right now, but it’s unimportant. At any rate, he tries to be all playa playa with Audrina and Heidi. Not bad for a guy who looks like the bastard love child of Michael Rapaport and Frankenstein. Still, he comes off as a complete tool.

Heidi could do soooo much better. I do have to say that Heidi is probably my favorite reality personality of ALL TIME… not because she seems like a decent human being, but rather because she’s so much fun to watch. You never know what is going to come out of her mouth even though I would like to go in it.

Whoa ho ho! It wouldn’t be one of my articles if I couldn’t work a fellatio joke in.

At any rate, I know this guy has a much nicer car than the last guy who drove the Saturn, but I honestly don’t understand what she sees in the guy. Maybe he has a humongous wang or something. But yeah, this guy loves his Benzo and Patron magaritas and Mexican food and I want to punch him in the throat repeatedly.

And Audrina… oh man, what a bitch?! Not quite Valerie Malone-level, but definitely above Julie Cooper. I was going to write a couple of paragraphs about the whole love triangle, but damn. Look at her! If I could have both Heidi and Audrina, I would be all about it. Audrina’s body is just ridiculous… but then again, all 4 of the girls on this show are unreal.

At any rate, the episode ends with Heidi buying a pregnancy kit and closing the bathroom door. DRAMA!!! Oh man, I’m definitely hooked for this season. If the rest of the episodes are half as good as this one then they can’t go wrong.

By the way, a friend told me they watched the season previews and saw Heidi boozing up, so chances are that Heidi isn’t pregnant. Which is a good thing because I couldn’t imagine a knocked up Heidi being all that entertaining.