Ron Artest: Fever
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The Tru Warier assaults our visual and auditory senses with the same fervor that he does Piston fans. |
When I first saw Ron Artest on the Bulls, I knew he was special. He played with so much enthusiam it was hard not to like the guy. Fastforward a few years, and I still think he’s special… but more of the short bus variety. After attacking camera men, basketball fans, televisions, and all sorts of crazy acts, Artest decides to release a rap album.
I mean, hasn’t the failures of Shaquille O’Neal taught Artest anything? (By the way, how the hell does Shaq-daddy have a “Best of”
At any rate, Ron used his hard earned basketball money to form his own labeland goes by the name “TRU WARIER.” I mean, what is this? 1999? Is he 733T like JeffK? I honestly don’t know too much about the Ron and his record label other than the fact that it’ll go down faster than a sorority girl after 5 Natty Lites. If he’s not careful I’m talking MC Hammer-esque fall from riches back to rags people… and Ron doesn’t have anything like church to fall back on. It’s going to be really sad because like I said earlier, he’s a great talent and plays his heart out every game… he just seems to be as dumb as a bag of bricks.
Close your eyes and think of every cliche that has ever appeared in a rap video.
No serious, do it.
Finished? Well, I’ve pretty much just gave you a glimpse at what Fever is like. The only cliche that is really missing is a guest appearance by someone like Snoop Dogg or Pharrell, or both Snoop Dogg and Pharrell at the sametime. You can skip over the rest of my review and just watch the video yourself (see youtube video at the bottom of this page…), but if you did that, you would miss all of my thoughtful insights.
By the way, I do have to say I really really love youtube. It has really changed the way we use the internet. If it was around back in the days of kontona’s prime, I would have been able to review like a million videos. I’m not saying I’m going to do a bunch of music video blogs on popho, but youtube will certainly come in handy.
Fever starts off with Ron telling all the ladies and hot mommas of the world to “Do yo thang!” Repeatedly. Do yo thang girl. Do yo thang ma. Do yo thang, do yo thang do yo thang. I swear at least 55% of the “rap” involves those 3 words. Fever probably has the highest ratio of “do yo thang” of any music video.
Chump change compared to all the fines Ronnie has paid over the years…
When Ron Artest finally starts to really rap, it doesn’t get much better. As stated earlier, think of every single cliche and he raps about it: how much money he has, how many girls he has banged, how much he’s gonna drink, and so on and so on. Throughout the video, we’re treated to scenes of Artest at a strip club, in the VIP, playing poker, riding in a Mabach, and lounging at the pool with whores. I’m not saying that this doesn’t go on in Ron’s life, but we’ve all seen it a million times.
Also, Ron tries to look all “hard” and “gansta”, which doesn’t work well. If any of you guys have ever seen Ron, you know he has this look like he’s done something really bad, he’s proud of himself for doing it, and he knows he’s not going to get caught… kind of like a goofy thief that just robbed a jewelry store dropped his items off with a fence. Okay that wasn’t the clearest description, you guys will have to excuse me since it’s my birthday and I’m still kind of wonked from last night.
Artest also raps like he’s reading from cue cards. I was kind of disappointed that Artest didn’t diss Ben Wallace in it. Could you imagine a rap feud between Artest and Wallace? It’d make the whole 50 Cent/Game thing look like a walk in the park! Granted Ben Wallace sounds like a moron when he talks and probably wouldn’t even be able to think of words that rhyme, but it would make for the most entertaining feud in sports since Chris Webber and his knees.
Oh yeah, Ron’s playing poker in the video and someone apparently loses their Blackberry. I mean, what the fuck? Aren’t those things just a few hundred dollars? I don’t know if I want to play cards with supposedly “high rollers” who have to bet their cell phones.
There have also been a lot of trade rumors involving Artest (there always seem to be…). Most people think that he’s going to get sent to the Clippers, which would be awful. I think that he, K. Martin and Bibby have a chance at making something really special if he stayed: 1st round exits in playoffs for the next 3 years. Oh I kid Sacremento fans, I kid. You know I love you.
All in all, pretty boring video, even worse music, and even the girls were subpar. We’re treated with a glimpse of Artest’s stripper anthem about girls sliding down poles at the end, but that doesn’t make up for the rest of the shitty video.
Score: 3.0
