Aside from maybe “game over”, no two words make gamers wince as much as “licensed games”. They have all the potential to be great; recognizable characters, backstory, built in audience, etc. But when a developer acquires a license, they feel as if they can release any old shitpile of a game upon the unsuspecting audience and expect us to gobble it up. Case in point, RoboCop for the NES.

Aside from “game over”, no two words make gamers wince as much as “licensed games”. They have all the potential to be great; recognizable characters, backstory, built in audience, etc. But when a developer acquires a license, they feel as if they can release any old shitpile of a game upon the unsuspecting audience and expect us to gobble it up. Case in point, RoboCop for the NES.

Foul Data East! I know Robocop. I watched RoboCop. I was mesmerized by the high levels of violence and pleased by the cheesy dialogue. I cringed in fear of ED209 and made “I’ll buy that for dollar” my motto. Murphy was my surrogate father. This, no matter how you label it, is not RoboCop.

I believe this game was based on the arcade version which I have yet to play. If this port is any indication of what the original is like, then I don’t plan on giving it a try any time soon. I’m sure all of you are already familiar with the movie. If not, get thee to a Blockbuster and rent it. (I don’t know what’s up with all the Shakespeare references.)

The graphics, while not outstanding, were decent for the NES. At first glance, it seems like just another side-scrolling action game. You go along through a variety of stages, base loosely on scenes from the movie, fighting midget gay pirates and killer dogs until you come to stage boss. There’s an allotted amount of time you have to complete each stage before you break down.

There are a couple of extra guns you can pick up here and there, but they hardly make any difference. One of the things I can’t figure out about this game is the fact that you have a pistol, with unlimited ammo, but the game only allows you to use it about 10 seconds of every stage. I mean, what gives?! RoboCop is one bad dude, and his punches are pretty powerful, but wouldn’t it be better if he just pulled out his gat and busted a cap in everybody’s ass? Clearly Data East was not thinking.

The worst thing about RoboCop was its horrid controls. RoboCop can’t jump and moves so slow… Granted, he’s made of steel and shit, but damn, the developers could have at least taken some liberties with that fact and tried to make this a good game. You ever watch something on TV and your mom walks into the room, and you don’t want her to see it, so you try to change the channel, but it doesn’t change fast enough? Well, that’s exactly how I feel with this game.

See the picture above? Well that’s my worst enemy in the game. No, not the zombie-thug, but the mother fucking stairs. STAIRS!!! I cannot even begin to count the times which I died from time running out simply because I couldn’t walk down the stairs. You have to be perfectly aligned within the nanometer to be able to use the steps. This is nigh impossible since RoboCop moves as if he had just gotten punch in the balls really hard and was looking for some ice to alleviate the swelling.

RoboCop is also a very difficult game. The combination of a very short time limit, lightning quick enemies, limited lives, and game control makes it even harder. I had to resort to using a Game Genie to get around on some of the higher levels. There are a couple of bonus stages between the regular ones. They’re are basically target shooting exercises that will probably annoy you more than anything.

I know something else will take this title tomorrow, since I’m so fickle, but RoboCop is the worst video game that I’ve ever played. The graphics were poor, the sound repetitive, but it’s greatest single downfall is the shoddy control. If the NES was the human race, than RoboCop is the black plague. Avoid this game.

And no, I will not challenge again.

Score: 1.0

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