Even though it pains me to say it, I’ve always been one of those dorky nerdy Asian guys. For the most part I am fine with it, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t so shy. Like when it comes to the opposite sex.

My buddy Jay was turning 22 and a lot of his friends, including me, decided to throw him a birthday party and to get him a table at a night club. Velvet Room to be specific. For the uninitiated, Velvet Room is this club that tries really hard to be something it’s not. It’s located in a shopping center right next to a Big Lots store and a dentist’s office. Somehow they’ll manage to get big names to show up every now and then (Jay-Z and P. Diddy come to mind), but for the most part, it’s mostly Asian kids from Atlanta’s suburban hells and wannabe thugs of all races.

At any rate, we pre-party at my friend’s house and were really tore up before we even got to the club. Someone thought it was a good idea to do a lot of Patron shots… I think we all know that tequila = trouble. I must have had at least 4 shots before I left the house, which is A LOT considering I don’t drink to often.

When we get to the Velvet Room it’s packed out. Serious. I’ve never seen so many Asian people in one place before in my life, and I lived in Beijing! When we get inside more drinks were had and at I eventually lost count of how many shots of tequila I had done that night. In retrospect I am really surprised I did not puke all over the place.

Some time in the night I notice this really hot girl eyeballing me. This stood out because girls rarely ever pay attention to me and this one was drop dead gorgeous.

Serious.

She had on a tight black skirt that showed way more leg than was humanly possible on her petite frame and one of those white dress shirts that’s partially open so you can see barely see her black bra from peaking underneath. She had one of those “scene” girl haircuts that the emo kids do; you know what I’m talking about. The haircut that looks like it’s backwards. One thing that turned me off was she was smoking cigarettes, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

At first I was really nervous and didn’t know what to do say I turn to Jay and say, “I think that girl likes me.”

“Go talk to her,” he says.

Yeah right, like it’s that easy. Still, I haven’t been in a relationship for like 2 months and at that point I had nothing to lose. I down a couple of more shots, liquid courage, and make my way over to her.

“I like your hair,” was the first thing that came out of my mouth. I couldn’t think of anything else to say, but it seemed to work, because she said “thanks.” I offered to buy her a drink. “Gin and tonic,” she replied. After that the conversation just kind of flowed and we talked like we were best friends forever, which is really weird because I am such a klutz at these things. Amanda was her name. She had just moved to Atlanta from San Francisco and didn’t have too many friends. She said she noticed me because of my smile.

I have to admit. I kind of blushed when she said that.

Well we ended up talking most of the night and doing a couple more shots. The club was closing down and my friend Jay was so drunk that the rest of my buddies were carrying him out. I turned to Amanda and told her that I had to leave when she said, “Do you want to go back to my place to hang out?”

My jaw about hit the floor. I have never had this happen to me before and had dreamed about it multiple times, but when the situation arised, I kind of froze. Luckily I snapped out of it quickly and said sure.

We take a cab back to her place, which is one of these ultra-swank condos in Buckhead. At this point, I didn’t know what Amanda did for a living, but I assumed she made a boatload of money, or she was independently wealthy. It looked like something you would see out of a Pottery Barn catalog or maybe an NBC sitcom. She offered to pour me a drink, which at this point I couldn’t turn down. We both snuggled up on the couch and she turned on the tv and we watched some tivo’ed Adult Swim for a while and then she turns to me and leans in for a kiss.

WOW.

Not only did she make the first move, but it was absolutely AMAZING. I had butterflies in my stomach. We continue to kiss and things start getting hot and heavy when she unbuckles my belt and jeans and slides her hand down my pants. I decided to return the favor and hiked up her skirt.

That’s when I noticed it. Amanda had a penis. Not just any old penis, but it was probably as big as my forearm and felt like orange peels.

I was absolutely disgusted and backed away immediately. I mean, WHAT THE !BLEEEP!?! She looked at me and said, “Is something wrong?” and then proceeded to take off her top.

At this point, a million thought were racing through my mind. “Does this make me gay?” “How do I tell her I am not interested?” “Hmmm… she had a really good surgeon.” “Are those C cups?” “It’s not really gay if the balls don’t touch right?” After what seemed like an eternity of deliberation (but was really seconds), I decided to jump back on the couch and Amanda and I get it on. Then all of a sudden I hear a loud “BANG!” and out from her bedroom steps Ryu from Street Fighter and he throws a fireball, “HADOKEN!”, at Amanda and she exploded into a million pieces.

Ryu then looks at me, grunts, then throws his duffel bag over his shoulders and walks off into the sunset, looking for the next challenge.

Man was that a surprise.