I just wanted to let everyone know that I was the one that coined the term “onara” and “onaraphile.” Read on to find out what these mean…

I originally wrote this a few years ago and it ended up being one of my favorite posts. Unfortunately, (fortunately?), the site seems to be long gone, so if you wanted to check out the source, you’re out of luck. I don’t know what else to say about it other than to not read on if you value your sanity.

Onara

I gotta admit, I’m really glad I’ve discovered the internet and all, but there are some days which I wished I had never starting surfing the web. Today is one of those days. I want to stick searing irons into my eyes, because seeing stuff like this makes me question the existance of God Himself.

At this point, you might be asking, “What is so terrible that it would make Haywood doubt the Maker?” Well my friends, to let you know, I’m not easily disgusted. I thought I had seen everything there is to see on the web. And quite honestly, not too much of it phases me. I can look at bukkake without even batting an eye. Furry porn doesn’t bother me one bit. Hell, even sheiking doesn’t upset me. I’m pretty resilient.

But today, I stumbled across something so vile… so revolting… so Milli Vanili-esque… that I’m seriously thinking of never ever going on the internet again. Today, I discovered:

Onara: the Japanese Fart Fetish

WHY GOD WHY?! WHY MUST YOU BRING SUCH DOWN SUCH PAIN UPON MY POOR AND WRETCHED SOUL?!

I really feel like crying right now. Seriously. But I realize that I don’t have time for that. I owe it to everyone here to tell them about this assault on all things good and noble. Onara literally means fart in Japanese, and for some reason which my small mind can not even begin to comprehend, it is also a fetish in which people like to watch, hear, smell, taste (?) other people’s farts.

…

Okay at this point I’m pretty sure 99% of the people who were reading this article have “x’ed” out. That’s okay though, because they will be the ones suffering from this in the future. How they will suffer from this fetish of flatulence I’m not quite sure, but mark my words…

Because such a thing exists, one question begs to be answered: Why? I’ve been racking my brain for the past 3 hours, and I haven’t even been able to come close to offering an explanation. It’s like one of those great mysteries, like life after death or time travel or something like that.

What I can offer is a description of this fetish, and the foul individuals who partake in it. (I’ve heard that Jerry is one of those individuals.) Of course onara comes from the land of the rising sun, but other than that, not much is known about this seedy activity that is normally restricted to the darkest of back alleyways and the Kane’s bedroom. Oh wait, nix the Kane’s room. He’s into necrophilia, not onara.

Onara-philes (a word I made up) like it when girls let out big, greasy rank farts. The louder the better. As you can see in the above picture, they also like to record the sound. I also like to pretend the yellow thing in the above picture is a fart-o-meter, a device which onara-philes use to determine exactly how good a fart is on a scale from one to ten. If you stuck a fart-o-meter next to P. Diddy’s mouth I’m sure it would register a 10. His breath smells like shit.

Onara-philes have also developed techniques for their sick hobby. I swear to God I’m not making any of this up, but they’ll feed a girl yams to create the best farts. MOTHER FUCKING YAMS!!! Thanksgiving will never be the same I tell you. I’m sure dairy products also come into play at one point or another too.

Moving on… no bizarre fetish would be complete without having its own website. I learned most of the stuff about onara from this site. Click at your own risk. On the site, you’ll see a bunch of videos for sale. Even more ridiculous than the $100 price tag for the majority of these videos are some of the descriptions for them. Here’s a few of my favorites:

FART WOMAN 17

New Video Fart woman 17 Released again!! She is very very pretty girl!! It’s unblevable that she really farts in front of videocamera.. Really.. She always patience farting if she wants it. You must watch it!!

TAKE FARTS ONESELF3

Third “TAKE FARTS ONESELF VIDEO” are new girl tring in this serious!! Her friend took video for fartinds. it seem that like mini drama,interreting.The farts are loud and smelly.you had better watch!!

MY FARTING ROOM

3 Girls farts each other in a room with eating sweetpotato.The girls farts to invation man for its gulty..every farts are very loud and smelly,but invader seems very glad……..

FART BATTLE

These two girl are very great for fartings very much, good. the girls fighting for her own fartings each other!! watch!!

The only thing scarier than the fact that there’s 17 Fart Woman movies is the extremely bad Engrish in these video descriptions. And like I said earlier, they are really expensive. For just the Fart Woman series alone you’d be out $1700.

Oh well, I give up. I can’t believe that I have gotten as much mileage out of this one as I have. I’ve about beaten this subject up as much as I can, and I really, really, really don’t want to talk about onara. Ever. Again.

Let’s pretend this article never happened…