Unlike Howard K. Stern, “You are NOT the father!” brings joy to these guys.

I know what you’re thinking upon seeing the teaser box and the first image, but this is not a post about the whole Anna Nicole Smith’s child paternity test thing. I just used her pictures because it reminded me of something.

Back around August and September of 2006, I was unemployed, and as most unemployed people with too much free time tend to do, I found myself watching a lot of Maury Povich. I know that the Maury Povich Show isn’t quite as highbrow as what I usually watch, but who can resist talk shows centered around sending teenagers to bootcamps or a woman who’s deathly afraid of balloons. I know I can’t, and I’m sure a lot of you are the same way.

Well maybe not a lot, but maybe 2 or 3. We can be friends.

My favorite Maury episodes were the ones concerning paternity tests. If there’s anything wrong about enjoying the moment when a hood rat finds out that a special someone is not the father, then… well you know the rest of the cliche.

Here are a few of my favorite clips from paternity testing episodes.

A simple one to start it off. I think what makes this one so funny is that she’s so sure that that guy is the father… but then again, most of these women are. “You know damn well this yo baby.”

Despite being 5000% sure she’s right, this woman’s also wrong. Also this video has been made into a gif that has been all over the internet so I’m sure you’ll recognize it.

This one’s kind of tame.

This guy never noticed that the kid wasn’t his. Not only is he stupid, but he’s a complete vagina.

The youtube description for this is “brother fathered brothers wife NOT NOT NOT the father.” You just kind of have to watch it.

A future candidate for a paternity test show. A 15 year old girl has had sex over 300 times! I’m nearly twice as old and I’ve had it about 300 times less than her. : (

I just wanted to put this one up because I don’t like pickles either.

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