After 3 6 years, I realized that this article should have been called Chimpanzee Karate. Still Monkey Kung Fu sounds much much cooler.

Note: This thing is about 6 years old now. My how time flies…

Monkey Kung Fu [repost] After 3 years, I realized that this article should have been called Chimpanzee Karate. Still Monkey Kung Fu sounds much much cooler.

As you may have noticed, I’ve been reposting some of old articles I’ve written. It’s just another way to keep the front page updated. I mean, we all know the forums is where all the action is on kontona… So far I’ve just been doing the most popular ones… but if you really want to see something, feel free to make a request.

Today’s repost is another one of my favorites. I laugh at my articles normally since I am a megalomaniac with a God complex, but none make me laugh harder than this one. It’s a short and fairly simple read.

<not gay>This article goes out to Bri. I’ve always said that I have met the coolest people through this site, and Bri, you’re not one of them. I hope you get the courage to come out of the closet soon.</not gay>

---

Monkey Kung Fu

Every now and then, I see something so shocking, so revolting, I just can’t undertand why anybody would do such a thing. This is one of those times… when I first downloaded this clip, I thought it was pretty funny. Ha ha. Good laugh, a chimp doing kung fu. Cute. But then I realized the sinister implications behind this…

By teaching this monkey (yeah I know chimps aren’t monkeys, but monkeys sound funnier) kung fu, this guy is gonna bring about the end of the human race. Hasn’t he seen Planet of the Apes? Surely this can lead to no good… I can see it all now… a future where we are dominated by a superior race of martial artist monkeys.

If it were just this one chimpanzee, it would be no problem. But now, chimps have been documented with the ability to teach each other. Imagine if this one got back to its colony! Also, chimps don’t have jobs or careers or anything much to do except throw their feces around and eat ticks, so they can practice ALL DAY LONG!!! Imagine how good they could get.

I mean, look at the chimp in the above stills taken from the video. I am by far no monkey expert, but I can tell you that that is a relatively young monkey, and already it has a black belt. If any of you guys out there take martial arts, you know the amount of dedication and skill it takes to attain such a rank.

It’s also noted that chimps are, pound for pound, twice as strong as humans. Plus they are more agile and have very good senses. Add to that repertoire the ability to perform martial arts, and we have an unstoppable killing machine. I mean, if you were an ape would you rather sit inside a cage and be oogled at or live in the jungle and have your home chopped down, or would you rather unite and rise up against the oppressive homo sapien? The answer is clear folks, and I have to say we now have competition.

What if a monkey learned monkey-style kung fu? You already know how good the Shaolin masters were, and they were only copying the monkeys. A monkey doing monkey-style kung fu would be twice as deadly.

You might argue that we humans have guns and bombs and stuff. But you’ve also seen all the martial art flicks. Do those things do any good against Jackie Chan or Jet Li? The answer is no my friends, and I don’t see why it would be any different in this case. They could probably just karate chop a gun in half or catch a bullet with their teeth.

Before it’s too late, I say we stop this madness now. Teach a monkey to sign language, teach it to juggle, teach it to do funny tricks, but for God’s sake, don’t teach a monkey martial arts. All I can see this leading to is an apocalyptic future wasteland ruled by simian overlords who will treat us like cattle.

Related Posts: