The Power Rangers came to me at a weird time in my life. By the time the Rangers had reached the height of their popularity in the US, I was “too old” to be watching the show. Not that it stopped me; I pretended to despise the five teenagers with attitude on the outside, I was secretly rejoicing whenever they’d form MegaZord and whip up on whatever creation Rita Repulsa had in store for them that particular afternoon. Seriously, when the Power Rangers guitar riff hit and the “Go go Power Rangers!” song started it was like liquid cocaine and I would start jumping around all over the place.

It’s kind of funny that over a decade after my closeted fascination with the Rangers started, I’m still entranced by them… except it’s not so secret anymore.

I was going to review an episode of Power Rangers for a post today when I realized that every single episode of the Might Morphin’ Power Rangers followed the same formula. So instead I’m going to play through Might Morphin Power Rangers, the SNES game, and document my amazing journey…

(By the way, for some reason, I kept on wanting to type Mighty Morphine Power Rangers.)

Uh oh. It appears that Rita’s up to her no good tricks once more, and it’s up to our heroes to save the world. There wasn’t really an explanation given as to what Rita did exactly… but you can be sure it was dastardly and no good.

(Another quick aside; I’m sure most of you are aware, but the actress who originally played Rita passed away last year. : ( )

Before the action begins, you can select which character you want to play as. While I am tempted to choose Kimberly because she did some soft-core porn and was in Felicity, I can’t leave out my boy Zach, especially since with those MC Hammer pants.

The game itself plays like Final Fight and other side-scrolling brawlers. One thing that is different is that you’re restricted to moving left or right and can’t move up and down on the map, which is kind of frustrating at times.

So far my only opponents have been knife wielding putties; quite a change from the tv show since there they don’t usually use weapons and are only capable of making that weird “bluh bluh bluh” noise.

Oh shit it’s on now son! I don’t know how or why, but Zach turns into the Black Ranger just in time to face off against what appears to be the boss of the first stage; some kind of skeleton swordsman.

I told myself I wasn’t going to do this when I sat down to write about the Power Rangers, but I have to say something about the racial undertones of the American series. So a black guy is the Black Ranger and an Asian girl is the Yellow Ranger. Gee, I wonder how that happened? Why stop there? Why not have a Native American as the Red Ranger and a homosexual play the Pink Ranger. If you’re going to stereotype might as well go all the way.

First boss. He’s pretty easy and you should be able to make short work of the guy if you keep on jumping and slashing and using a game genie code to make yourself invincible and have infinite lives. Easy peasy.

For area two I decided to mix it up and go with my girl Amy Jo Johnson. It’s probably the most trailer trash name ever in the history of Hollywood, but I think it’s fab.

Okay. I think I made a mistake reviewing this game because it’s FUCKING BORING AS SHIT, and I’m only on the second stage. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take of this game. You guys wouldn’t hate me if I quite right now would you? I mean, this post is only going to get about 5 hits anyway…

Just as soon as I finished typing up the prior paragraph the game changed up a bit. Now I’m forced to move vertically. FUN! I also just noticed that the Pink Ranger can shoot arrows by hold the up button + attack and that you can bounce off of walls like in that NES Batman game.

Boss of stage 2. I think I actually remember this guy from the show, so bonus for continuity points. I also find it sad that I can remember a minor villain from a show I half-watched nearly 14 years ago but I have problems finding my keys before I go to work every morning.

I’m also using the Pink Ranger’s secret power in the above screenshot. Once per stage you can summon your dinosaur or zord or whatever to do a special attack. While not as cool as Leviathan or Bahamat, Kimberly’s pteradactyl is still extremely useful.

Area three is in a sewer of some sort. It’s not going to happen, but I wish I would run into the Ninja Turtles. Speaking of Ninja Turtles, google ninja turtles power rangers fanfiction and you’ll get a ton of results. My favorite is this one. I could feel my brain rotting as I was reading it. That and I felt inspired to write my own fanfiction involving a battle royale between the Foot soldiers and the putties.

Uh…

The boss of this area is looks like a bunch of uncircumcised penises. Don’t worry, he isn’t to hard to beat off.

I’ve decided to go with Trini for area 4. (RIP Thuy Trang.) Oh Trini. I can still here your emphatic “Saber Tooth Tiger!!!” in my head.

This probably doesn’t need to be said, but all of the Power Rangers are the same sprites with different colors. Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: causing gender confusion since 1994.

Also I’m really tired of fighint putties. Every stage, it’s mother fucking more putties. I wonder if the Rangers felt like this in the original American series? It’s like fuck, more putties. Didn’t we fight these guys yesterday?

I’m not asking for much; how about me get a mutant rat or maybe some hoodlums or something.

The boss of area 4 looks like a reject from the Disney Aladin movie. Or a furry magician.

Area 5. I went the Billy this time and I regret not picking him area. He’s easily the best character in the game with his spinning trident skillz.

The boss of this stage is some camouflaged ninja looking guy. He’s actually a lot easier than the boss of the last 2 stages.

By the way, I better be able to turn into MegaZord pretty soon or I’m gonna be pissed.

Oh fuck yeah! It’s about time!

I love that wikipedia has the plot sequence for every single Power Rangers episode:

A normal Power Rangers episode can be broken down into a formulaic plot. The plot sequence is generally as follows:

1. Rangers are seen in everyday life with a dispute to resolve.
2. Rangers are attacked by an evil foe’s minions/footsoldiers.
3. Rangers fight minions/footsoldiers.
4. Rangers morph.
5. Rangers defeat the minions/footsoldiers.
6. Evil enemy strengthens the minion and makes minion grow to gigantic proportions, followed by Rangers summoning giant machines known as Zords and/or their combined form, the Megazord.
1. Optional: Rangers find that their current powers are insufficient to defeat minion and discover a new power, such as a Battlizer, or a sixth Ranger.
2. Optional: Rangers find or receive new Zord/s, new Megazord or Megazord combo.
3. Optional: Friends or allies show up to offer help or support.
7. Rangers fight and defeat that particular giant minion.
8. Rangers are shown back in everyday life, having learned a life lesson which solves the earlier dispute.

And I know it’s been said a million times, but if the Megazord always wins, why don’t the Rangers just use it from the beginning and save a lot of heartache? Maybe they’re just extremely masochistic. I’m pretty sure Billy is. It’s always the quiet ones.

Of course after you turn into the MegaZord it’s pretty much over for all of your foes. Pretty much like in the tv show.

Verdict: I knew that there was no possible way this game could be good… and I was right. Even with the whole nostalgia fact thing going for it, this game was downright horrible. It’s slightly more entertaining than mixing your peas and mashed potatoes together or trying to dissolve a urinal cake by peeing on it really hard.

Score: 2.5

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