The story, which is taken from the Moonwalker music video, follows Michael, using various music and dance related abilities, on a quest to save kidnapped children from the hands of the evil “Mr. Big”. The games incorporated synthesized versions of the musician’s hits, such as “Beat It” and “Smooth Criminal”.

Let’s move on to the game.

Right off the bat we’re getting attacked by Mr. Big’s goons. The song for this stage is Bad. I, like a dumb ass, hit the special move button and use my “super power.” (Should have saved it for the boss of the stage. Always save it for the boss of the stage.

If you touch Bubbles, you turn into robo-Jackson and gain additional powers. I don’t know how or why this is happens, and I really don’t care. I guess years of gaining power-ups via mushrooms and flowers has desensitized me to the point where it’s not really that strange for a pop star to turn into a robot when he touches a chimpanzee.

Oh it seems that this game is capable of having three players simultaneously. That’s pretty awesome… I mean, 3 Michael Jacksons?! The thought alone gives me a raging boner.

Stage 2. We’re in some kind of arcade now and Smooth Criminal is playing in the background. I take out Mr. Big’s goons with my awesome dance moves. Why can’t all of the world’s problems be solved with dancing? How great would it have been if Bush and Saddam just got together and dance battled?

Looks like we’re at the stage where the Genesis version starts off. I’m being attacked on all sides so I have to dance. It’s like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how I keep from going under.

Okay the boss of stage 2 is a vacuum cleaner. I am really disappointed.

Update: It wasn’t the vacuum cleaner.

By the way, the whole isometric viewpoint thing makes me feel like I’m playing Habbo Hotel. That and the fact that a middle-aged pedophile is trying to pick up little children. Serious. 85% of the people on Habbo Hotel lived through the disco era.

I guess you guys know all about the midi-esqe music, but the graphics in this game are surprisingly good. Also the controls are pretty tight and responsive… but then again, what about Michael Jackson isn’t tight and responsive.

Stage 3 is Night street. The background music is Beat It, quite possibly one of the greatest songs of all time. No let me take that back. It IS the greatest song of all time. I plan on doing a video review for Beat It one of these days and I’ll save my reasons for why it is so for then.

I think that this is the boss of Stage 3. At least he looks like an arcade boss.

Okay I just beat it. It was Mr. Big.

Hold on Mr. Big. Tell me what he’s done to you. Stand up Mr. Big. Broken heart can’t be that bad. When it’s through, it’s through…

…

I hope that someone out there gets that.

Stage 4. I’m in a graveyard and the background music is Another Part of Me. The same song was used in the Genesis version for their graveyard stage. I really wished Thriller would have been used.

You guys remember that episode of Southpark where Mr. Garrison invents IT? Looks like Michael Jackson had them beat by over a decade.

It’s hard for Michael Jackson to beat up on his bffs zombies. That’s why I had to reenact the Thriller video. It was everything I thought it would be… and then some.

The Evil Fortress is Stage 5. The background music is Bad… AGAIN. Seriously, MJ has such a great catalog of music and they choose to use the same song twice?! That doesn’t make any sense.

Uh oh. Boss of the game time. Mr. Big is in some crazy robot contraption once again and I’m getting shot at from all directions. It wouldn’t be so bad except you can only hurt Mr. Big by shooting at certain times.

After beating Mr. Big, Michael turns into a spaceship and flies away. Billie Jean starts playing and then the credits roll.

Verdict: It was a fun distraction, but Moonwalker on the Genesis was waaaaaaaaaaaaaay better. I mean, it was a totally different game (platformer vs. isometric beat’em up), but I don’t see how the arcade version was worse than a console version. (Especially in those days.) If it weren’t for my love of all things Michael Jackson, I’d say skip this one.

Score: 3.5

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