I have been sitting here for the past 20 minutes trying to come up with a decent intro paragraph for my review of Pumps and a Bumps when I realized that it is impossible to give Hammer a proper introduction and most likely unnecessary. Who hasn’t heard of MC Hammer?! At one point in this guy had it all, but off-stage things weren’t going so well (cue VH1 Behind the Music-transition to black and white…) While many are familiar with Can’t Touch This and 2 Legit 2 Quit, not too many know about his later stuff. I thought I’d rectify that by giving the classic Pumps and a Bump video the popHO treatment.

0:00 - Despite the fact that MC Hammer helped make rap mainstream, by the mid-90s his popularity was at an all time low. So in order to catapult himself back into the limelight, Hammer switched his clean cut image for a “gangsta” one. He also switched parachute pants for a zebra print Speedo. More on that later.

0:07 - Aw shit son. Hammer just chillaxin’ by the pool.

(I wish I had a better copy of this video. The only one I could find was on youtube. I guess there aren’t many actives avenues for acquiring MC Hammer videos…)

0:14 - I wonder what “Pumps and a Bumps” means. I have a feeling we’re going to find out soon.

0:15 - Oh. Another nuggets. MC Hammer also became just Hammer during this era.

0:23 - I wonder if this video was shot at the mansion Hammer had to sell when he filed for bankruptcy.

0:32 - Jesus Christ this video is like a parody of everything that was bad and wrong about rap videos from the era; old cars with hydraulics, women shakin’ it in their bikinis, the stupid zoom in camera shot.

Looking back I can see why Hammer’s career nose-dived; this video just oozes inauthenticity. Poser isn’t the right word, but it’s the first one that comes to mind.

0:35 - Right away we get the money shot of Hammer in his zebra Speedos. I wasn’t aware of this, but aparently Pumps and a Bumps caused a rucus because Hammer looked like he was sportin’ major wood throughout the video. Serious. Most of the wikipedia entry for this video talks about it. Her’s my favorite quote:

After the “Pumps and a Bump” video is shown, the female interviewer asks M.C. Hammer, “A lot of women want to know, inquiring minds want to know, what’s up with the speedos? Tell us the truth, was there a sock in there?” M.C. Hammer appears to become embarrassed, then laughs and says, “I always have reservations from the standpoint of the questions that get asked. You know, ‘Is it real?’ ‘Is this that?’ You all know better than that. That’s all real Hammer man.”

And if that wasn’t enough, there’s a huge image of Hammer’s junk on wikipedia. I feel like he should be high fiving the Tod.

Ugh.

0:40 - Alright. I’m almost 100% that that’s the house Hammer had foreclosed due to bankruptcy.

0:55 - Those swimsuits are also God awful. The 90s were sooo horrible for fashion.

1:00 - Whatever you do, don’t watch the video around the 1 minute mark. Trust me on this one. If you do, you’ll never be able to eat hot dogs, sausages, or any other elongated meat product again for the rest of your life.

1:04 - I don’t know if you guys ever watched Too Legit: The MC Hammer Story, but if you haven’t, watch it if you get a chance. (It comes on fairly often VH1 and its derivative channels.) Too Legit is a great source of unintentional comedy. It’s even funnier when you realize Hammer is played by that guy that was in the 40 Year Old Virgin and that the movie, like every single rapper alive today, tried to exploit 2Pac Shakur.

In the movie, Hammer realized the error of his ways, while filming the video for Pumps and a Bump. Hammer noticed his daughter watching the filming when his johnson was all rocked up. Seriously, how crazy is that? Not only did was this video responsible for destroying Hammer’s career, who was at one time the most influential person in pop music, it also made reflect on his place in the music industry because of the way it was influencing his kids.

If Pumps and a Bump isn’t an epic video… I don’t know what is.

1:09 - Uh oh. White prople trying to get in. You know what that means. In rap videos, it always goes like this:

1. Dorky white people/person show up.
2. Act like dorks or are frightened by urban youth.
3. Starts partying like everyone else except it’s funny because they’re dorky and white.

Never fails.

1:17 - Please Hammer don’t hurt her.

1:19 - The Oakland A’s called and they want their baseball bats back.

1:20 - I can’t believe this video is over 5 minutes long. I think I’ve talked about everything I wanted to talk about and I’ve only watched 20% of the video.

1:22 - Another crotch shot just in case you haven’t gotten enough of “the Hammer.”

1:50 - All that I want for the rest of my life is a girl thick and tight.

1:51 - Doesn’t anyone know what pumps and a bump means? Doesn’t it refer to a particular part of a girl’s body or is it just one of those vague sexual things like licking a boom boom down? I still can’t figure it out and the lyrics are just asinine.

1:54 - I’m convinced that Hammer learned that hip thrusting crotch in your face dance just for this video. I wish he would just go back to that gay crab walk thing he did in Can’t Touch This.

2:16 - Rap cliche #954646: People playing dominoes.

2:44 - I remember watching this video back when it originally aired and not liking it at all. On the surface, it had a lot of things that appealed to me: women shaking their asses, cars with hydraulics, fancy swimming pools… but I think even back then I could tell MC Hammer was trying to hard.

3:33 - Finally we get to a real Hammer dancing bit. Say what you will about the guy, but Hammer could really dance.

4:24 - There’s a guy holding a bamboo staff. At this point, I’m too mentally fatigued from trying to get the image of Hammer’s Hammer out of my head to make much out of this. Maybe another time.

Verdict: I can’t believe I sat through and watched the whole video. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Score: 3.0

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