I love Heidi Montag. There. I’ve said it… I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m absolutely smitten by her. Ever since the first episode of the Hills I’ve been hooked mainly due to her antics. Granted, she’s probably the most vapid cunt to have ever come out of a MTV “reality” show, and that’s saying a lot, but she possess a certain je nais se qua that some would kill for. So today, instead of my usual music video review or video game post, I thought I’d just list a few of reasons why I love Heidi Montag.

She’s fake stupid.

Many people believe that Heidi is lacking in intelligence when nothing could be further from the truth. You remember that one girl in high school that was a complete klutz, appeared to lack any common sense, always raised her hands and asked stupid questions, but when test time came she’d be the one who made an A? Well that’s Heidi Montag.

Seriously, she’s probably the most cunning reality star since Richard Hatch. She parlayed a sidekick role to Lauren on the Hills into pseudo-celebrity status. I mean, who gave a shit about Lauren when it was obvious that Heidi was the main attraction?

She has horrible taste in men.

I could write an entire treatise on Spencer, quite possibly the biggest douchebag in the history of the world, but this post is about Heidi. If morons like Spencer Pratt and that Jordan guy who drove a Saturn could bag Heidi… well… I guess it gives hopes to all the other losers of the world, i.e. me. For being so cute, Heidi’s standards in men are pretty damn low.

By the way, I know I said I wouldn’t talk about Spencer, but since his dad is a “celebrity dentist” you’d figure he’d get those ridiculous chompers fixed. He looks like he should have a feedbag on.

She’s fearless.

The best example I can give of this is her willingness to admit to getting plastic surgery just because it would make her feel good. In a day and age where most celebrities use “deviated septums” as an excuse for getting a nose job, Heidi just said she did it because she wanted to do so and that she got a tit job because she had always felt insecure about her breast size.

She changed how we perceived the name “Heidi.”

Pre-Hills, the name Heidi would conjure up images of young country girls living in the Alps milking cows and maybe singing, or maybe Heidi Klum if you were lucky. Now, if you hear the name Heidi, I’m willing to bet the first image that comes to your mind is Ms. Montag.

She is probably the greatest source of unintentional comedy ever.

I mean, just check out her wikipedia entry:

As of February 2007, Montag is working on recording an album with producer David Foster (Brody Jenner’s stepfather). She describes the sound as “very fun, fresh, sexy” Montag danced as a child, thus reportedly plans to do “a lot of performing” in connection with the album. Additionally, she indicates that a lot of her songs “will be very sexual.”

On August 16, 2007, Ryan Seacrest premiered Montag’s song, “Body Language”, featuring Pratt rapping, on his KIIS-FM radio show. Both Montag and Pratt denied the song was her intended first single with Pratt telling Us Weekly that the tune, “was a song Heidi and I were doing for fun. Never would I rap on her first single!”

I like that her music will be fun, fresh and sexy. And that her songs will be sexual.

Also, here’s a youtube video of “Body Language.”

Ba ha ha. Sounds like a bootleg Timbaland track. Also, Pratt’s rapping makes me feel good about myself for some reason. It’s like no matter what I do, I will never suck as much as that guy.

Despite dropping out of fashion school in 2005, Montag has reportedly been signed as the new spokesperson for Anchor Blue Clothing Company and will also design her own line for the company. The line will be called “Heidiwood” and will be priced between $10 - $60.

Despite the fact that Heidi dropped out of fashion skill without going to class ever, she’s going to have her own clothing line. I’m willing to bet that 99% of the people who graduate from fashion school or whatever won’t ever have their own fashion lines. Irony at it’s finest people.

In a 2007 interview with Blender magazine, Montag declared, “I’m very religious. That’s how I’ve gotten to where I am today”. She also stated that she was reading The Bible “from beginning to end.”

…

…

I find that very hard to believe.

She’s pretty cute.

Yup. Nobody likes an uggo.

Related Posts: