This movie is everything that its title makes it out to be and a whole lot more.

Like star-crossed lovers, I knew that Gay Niggers from Outer Space and I were destined to meet after a friend of mine sent me a link to its imdb page. The review, as I now know, was fictitious, but based on the un-pc title alone, my curiosity, among other things, was stirred.

For two years, I’ve looked for this obscure title from the Netherlands. I posted in other forums and bulletin boards… but aside from the usual “my brother’s friend’s mother’s cousin watched it”, or the “it’s a hoax” reply, my attempts were futile. I was on the verge of just giving up… when, lo and behold, I came across a bittorrent of the movie that I had spent the last couple of years looking for.

Words cannot describe my elation upon my discovery of this holiest of holies. Of course, I immediately pirated the file, and at last, after all my trials and tribulations, I finally had Gay Niggers from Outer Space in my possession.

Now looking back, I almost wish I hadn’t…

There are movies that you have to see, and then there are movies you have to see. Gay Niggers from Outer Space falls into neither of these categories. In fact, I should warn you right away that under no circumstances should you watch this movie; unless you want to rot your brain. Years of watching Transformers and eating glue has made my greymatter completely impervious to this kind of stuff, but for those less fortunate, this movie can only spell certain doom…

The movie centers around a group of space explorers from the Planet Anus. There’s the fatherly Capton B. Dick, the technical wizard, Sgt. Shaved Balls, computer genius, Dr. D. Ildo, and the rookie, Arminass. They journey through space, trying to make it a better place for “man”kind.

Our heroes come across a small planet, Earth, and are immediately intrigued. They scan the planet with sophisticated equipment (i.e. a broken calculator with shoestrings running into a 15′ monitor) and discover that there are females on Earth. This throws them all into shock, for females are the vilest and most hated lifeforms in the entire universe.

I should say at this point, even though I probably don’t really have to, that this movie has the worst acting I’ve ever witnessed, and the special effects could only be called “special” if you meant it as meaning retarded and not… uh… special. I’m serious, this movie’s budget probably equals the amount I spent on one of those fantastic artery clogging Thickburgers from Hardees.

I should also mention that, between this article and me giving myself head, I’ve ruined my shot at having any sort of political career.

At any rate, our heroes visit decide to explore Earth, when one of them is savagely attacked by a prostitute. Well, maybe not savagely attacked… more like propositioned. Regardless, you’ve never seen somebody portray fear like this. Using state of the art technology, Arminass (I think it was him. Honestly I wasn’t really paying attention.) managed to zap away the vagina-wielding she-demon .

At this point, a decision is made: Earth must be eradicated of all females. Capt. B. Dick and company travel the globe, and using their superior equipment, manage to destroy the entire female populace.

You might be wondering how humans will propagate and all that mess after all the females are gone. The movie explains it, and I would tell you, but if I did, my computer would probably implode from the sheer amount of grotesque grotesqueness and stupid stupidity. Also, I don’t want to be the one responsible for boring into your brains the repulsive theories that this movie lays forth.

After all the women are gone, our heroes consult the almighty Brown Ring to see what they should do with Earth. The Brown Ring says that one of them shall stay behind to look after the planet, and that the chosen one shall be determined by fisting the Brown Ring. As incredulous as any of this sounds, I have not made up any details in this movie so far. Even I am not this fucked up.

The chosen one turns out to be Dr. D. Ildo. He goes under some device and transformed into Elvis. I don’t know if they did this as some kind of racial commentary or just to be funny, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Toriyama was involved somehow.

Well, everybody beams down to Earth, which at this point has become a male only utopia. Notice that these scenes are the only ones in color in the entire movie. There’s some shitty dialoge about manbabies and a bunch of guys eating bananas, but by this point, I’ve completely lost all interest.

I can sum up Gay Niggers from Outer Space in four words:

Do NOT watch it.

I can’t believe I waited so long to see this movie. I can’t believe I even wanted to watch this movie in the first place. It’s not even bad in the enjoyable kind of way. It’s just… bad. True, there are a few moments that made me laugh, but that laughter was more like that of a madman who wants to track down and murder the makers of this film than of the jovial variety.

Do NOT watch it.

Do NOT watch it.

Do NOT watch it.

Do NOT watch it.

Even after saying all that, I’m pretty sure some of you guys will watch it. Well, at least you can’t say you haven’t been warned.

Score: 2.9