Dr. Manhattan didn’t respond last time I posted this. Maybe this time he will send me a message.

A Letter to Dr. Manhattan A short letter written to my favorite Watchman. I hope he reads it.

Dear Dr. Manhattan,

Hello. I know you don’t know me, but I am one of your biggest fans. For a long time, I was out of the whole comic book loop, but you and your fellow Watchmen have raised my interest in comics once more. For that I thank you. The Watchmen is probably one of the greatest things ever, and I always tell everybody to check it out when I can.

A little bit about myself. I am pretty much an average guy, living an uneventful life. I don’t have any real superpowers, even though I managed to impress all the kids in my 5th grade class by eating small rocks. And there was that one time where I attached a camera to my shoe to take upskirt pictures. The newspapers dubbed me the “Peeping Bandit.” That was pretty awesome.

I’m pretty sure you get a ton of fan mail considering how fucking rad you are. I hope you take the time to read and respond to mine. I hope it is not asking to much, but considering the fact that you are near omnipotent, could you take the time to hep me out a little?

You see, I’m having a dilemna with a girl. I wish I was Jay Z so that I could have 99 other problems instead of the one I got now, but alas, that is not the case. Despite the fact that you are freaky and blue you always seem to get all the ladies. What is up with that? I remember I poured blue paint all over my body once because I thought I could get Smurfette to love me, but then I remembered that Smurfette isn’t real and I was wasting my time.

By the way, Smurfette. Would you… uh… you know, would you hit it? She might only be 10 inches tall, but I’d love her long time.

But yeah, I had another request. Could you put on some pants? No seriously. I know you are all powerful and stuff, so you could probably just make pants magically appear or something. I mean, don’t get me wrong. It is not that looking at wang makes me uncomfortable. I probably stare at my johnson in the mirror for a good 30 minutes every morning and I am able to identify most major porn stars just by looking at their wangs; so I guess you could say that I am not bothered by the penis at all.

It comes down to the fact that you are such a dignified figure that the lack of pants takes away from your overall appearance. And to be quite frank, your weiner is a tad bit on the short size. I know it must be cold on Mars or in Antartica or wherever you are at this moment… but yeah. You’re not going to impress anybody with that thing. Except maybe Smurfette. Also, I’m sure you hear this all the time; your balls are blue. Get it? Blue balls. Ha ha.

But anyway, back to my problem. I’ve become quite smitten by this girl over the course of the year and I have only recently gathered the courage to talk to her. She’s smart, funny, and extremely beautiful. I really wanted to get to know her better, and I was curious if you could use your powers to make her trip and accidentally fall on my p-due. I mean, it’s not like I am asking much. You could just make a rock or other object magically appear and leave the rest up to gravity.

And come on, sex isn’t that big of a deal. If I recall correctly, you cracked a smile when your wife got boned by that NightOwl character. What was that all about? If some dude got with my girl, I’d be like “Oh no you didn’t!” and procede to snap my fingers and move my head back and forth.

Afterwards, I’m sure we would talk and see that we actually have a lot in common. I’m not that bad of a guy and I think that she’d like me if she could see the real me. Please Doc, make this happen. Here’s your chance to play cupid and hook a brotha up.

Once again, thanks for taking the time to read my letter. Hell, it probably only took you a like a second to read this letter since you are all seeing and stuff. I hope that you will help me out with my problem, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

haywood

P.S. I heard that a Watchmen movie is being made. Please don’t let this happen. Seriously.