Quite possibly one of the most offensive/hilarious porno movies ever made. Starring two of my favorites, Teagan Presley and Jesse Jane.

Contract Star Quite possibly one of the most offensive/hilarious porno movies ever made. Starring two of my favorites, Teagan Presley and Jesse Jane.

I have been sitting here for 30 minutes, trying to think of a proper intro to Contract Star, and quite frankly, I haven’t been able to come up with one. I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I could start off by saying that Contract Star has two of the porn world’s up and comers in Teagan Presley and Jesse Jane. Or I could say that this is one of the most offensive, stereotypical things that I have ever seen in my life. If I was Mexican, I’d probably be enraged. Then again, this movie is so dumb, so badly done, so horrible, that everybody would probably find it funny. I’ll leave it up to you guys to make that decision and I’ll just call the movie like I see it.

Eric Masterson and Evan Stone play two Mexican cousins who work in a porno warehouse. The makers of this film have gone out of their way to include every single possible stereotype. The guys both wear black Chucks with Dickies and speak in probably the worst imitation of a Mexican accent that I have ever heard. They smoke j’s and wear hairnets and have a picture of the Virgin Mary on their walls and the list goes on and on and on… If there’s a stereotype, it’s in here. Oh, and for simplicity’s sake, I’m just going to use the porn stars’ “real names” instead of the ones in the film.

Evan and Eric are fooling around at work one day. Eric was describing to his cousin about the time he got shot 72 times by Teagan Presley’s brothers, and Evan was calling bullshit on Eric’s story. The warehouse manager arrives and tells the two to stop fooling around and to get to work. Take note of this moment guys, because it is one of the few times that you will ever see an Asian guy in an American porn. I think the guy playing this role is a famous director or something, but I wouldn’t really know since I don’t watch a lot of porn or anything. Seriously, I don’t… Okay okay. Maybe I do. A little. Like 2-3 hours a day. It’s an addiction and I need help.

The manager tells Eric and Evan about the $5000 reward that the company is offering to anyone that finds the next contract star. (Now you know where the name of this movie comes from.) This sets the movie into action. The cousins put their brains together and try to think of some possible candidates. The first person that they can think of is Evan’s woman, Jesse Jane.

Evan runs home and tries to convince Jesse Jane to be in the movie, but she refuses. Evan kind of sees her point and says he’s sorry. And then they fuck. I just have to say that all the sex scenes in this movie make me laugh more than they turn me on. No seriously. The traditional “bow-chicka-bow-wow” porn music is gone, and in its place is either traditional Mexican music or bad bad Hispanic gansta rap. For this scene, we get a rousing number that reminds me of when I had to do a hat dance for Mexico day back in middle school.

After Jesse leaves, Eric pops out. Apparently, he filmed his cousin and Jesse getting all kinds of dirty. Evan really loves his girl and tells Eric to give the tape to destroy. Eric hands him a fake tape…

Afterwards, Eric decides to go to a strip club. Nothing really happens in this scene. The only reason I capped it was because I needed to practice using Toad again. Sup Toad. You da man.

Eric then turns in the tape to the boss of the porn company who interviews Jesse Jane. This leads to a fallout between the cousins, as Evan is extremely upset that his cousin would go behind his back. Evan doesn’t want Jesse to be in porn movies no matter how much money is involved and disowns Eric.

Distraught, Eric comes up with a solution. If he can find a hotter girl to become the contract star, Jesse won’t star in porns and Evan would accept Eric as his cousin once more. Enter Teagan Presley. No, not that kind of enter, even though that happens soon enough. Eric easily convinces Teagan to agree to his plan. Then they get it on.

By the way, Teagan’s imitation of a Mexican accent is quite possibly one of the funniest things that I have ever heard in my life. Normally all she does is squeal, but the makers of this film have decided to give Teagan lines other than “Do me now!” or “On my face! On my face!” and this leads to absolute hilarity.

Eric and Teagan walk outside where they are confronted by Teagan’s brothers. Yes. One of them is in a wheelchair. I have to give the director of this movie props. It’s not that this movie is funny. It is the makers’ attempts at comedy that makes this movie so funny. Okay that doesn’t really make sense, but if you watch Contract Star you’d understand.

Anyway, Eric is getting beat up by these two guys, when some mysterious Asian guy comes by and saves the day. This is a momentous occasion for Asian males across the globe, because this is officially the most appearances ever by an Asian guy in a porn. Granted, he’s not doing some blonde broad with fake boobs… but still… small step for man, huge step for mankind and all that jazz.

At any rate, the Teagan and Jesse are both entered, and there’s tension between the two cousins. Who will get the $5000? Will it be Eric? Or will it be Evan? The movie “Contract Star” is released, and the winner is…

 

 

 

 

Both Teagan and Jesse!!! This means that Eric and Evan both get $5000 each! Oh happy day, the two cousins are overjoyed and make up. Fortunately (unfortunately?) the only homosexual scene in this movie involves the winners of the contest in one of the most disgusting porn scenes ever. I’d include screencaps, but every single time I fast forward to it I get a little nauseous.

With their combined winnings, Eric and Evan decide to open up a taco stand and live happily ever after. Or at least until Contract Star 2.

Wow. Just wow. This is one of those porn movies that would probably end up on Skinemax if it wasn’t for the hardcore stuff. Everything about it is horrible and it has singlehandedly set back race relations in southern California back 50 years. Still it does have its moments.

Grade: C+

Bonus Pictures:

HOLY SHIT!!! It’s fucking Jerry!!!

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