The first time I saw this video I wanted to pull down my pants and punish my penis as if it had named a teddy bear Muhammad.

There are a ton of videos I’ve been meaning to review, but do to time constraints, and because I am a lazy fuck, I haven’t gotten around to doing so. One gem that I’ve been saving for a rainy day is Christina Milian’s Dip It Low. Now before I even start doing my little run through, I have to confess, this is quite possibly the hottest video of all time.

Yeah, that’s right, I said it. The first time I saw this video I wanted to pull down my pants and punish my penis as if it had named a teddy bear Muhammad.

0:00 - This is a very “Asian”-inspired video and song. I’m sure there are undertones of racial stereotyping and the submissive Asian female blah blah blah, but who really cares right?

0:04 - For as many times as I watched this video, I really don’t know much about Christina Milian. In fact, I think this is the only video that I’ve ever seen by her. Good thing for wikipedia:

Christina Milian (born September 26, 1981) is an American R&B and pop singer, songwriter, record producer, dancer, actress, and former MTV VJ. She has released three studio albums and one compilation album. She has also had four solo top five singles (and also a top ten featuring credit single) in the UK as well as hits in the rest of Europe and North America. As an actress, Milian appeared in the 2003 film Love Don’t Cost a Thing opposite Nick Cannon. Milian wrote songs for Jennifer Lopez, Paula DeAnda, and PYT’s. She also starred as singer Linda Moon in Be Cool, the sequel to Get Shorty, and appeared in the 2006 horror film Pulse.

0:13 - Oh yeah.

0:36 - Supposedly Poli Paul from the Black Eyed Peas “produced” this song. I put produced in quotation marks because I have a feeling that he just brought a tape recorder into a Chinese restaurants to get the background music.

0:44 - Check out this nugget:

[Christina] will be the leading character in The CW’s new show “Eight Days A Week” as Olivia, alongside Mario Lopez.

What the fuck?! I didn’t think I could love Christina any more than I did. She’s going to be in a new show with Albert Clifford Slater aka AC MOTHERFUCKING Slater!!! This is phenomenal news.

An aside, did anyone think that Mario was going to be arguably the most successful member of the Saved By the Bell bunch? I think everyone had their money on either Mark Paul Gosselaar or Tiffani Amber Thiessen… but boy has Mario proved them all wrong. Not only does he get to host Miss Teen USA pageants, but he has been in groundbreaking series such as Pacific Blue and that one show that was basically the View with men.

But I digress…

0:49 - I tried to make a gif of when Christina “dips it low” and spins all over the fucking place, but my copy of the video is pretty shitty. If by some chance you are reading this review without watching the video, skip to around 0:47. Trust me on this one.

0:51 - I love the look on these two people’s faces as Christina is “pop pop that thang.” The guy kinda looks like Chris Webber and the girl reminds me of Geena from Martin. I think that’s Redman in the background if I am not mistaken.

But yeah, Chris Webber looks like he’s about to drop his champagne glass and have a tug of war with cyclops while Geena looks disgusted.

1:00 - Some great dancing…

1:06 - OH!

1:41 - …

1:58 - I never got this part of the video. I mean, why would Christina want to get all dirty. I mean, I wouldn’t mind it if she got dirty, but playing in mud?

I also don’t get the fascination some guys have with mud wrestling. Don’t you realize that if you want to do anything afterwards you’re going to have to give the mud wrestlers a good “hosing down?”

2:21 - See what I mean. Ewwwwwwww. It looks like she’s trying out for 2girls1up part 2.

2:48 - Not much else happens in the video except for some dudes using Christina has a paintbrush… an extremely hot paintbrush.

Okay I think I finally get this part of the video after all of these years. This is supposed to signify calligraphy… you know since we Asian people love calligraphy and to eat dogs and ching chong ching.

3:18 - Oh snap! Some dude just put Christina Milian in that Lex Luger move!

Verdict: Love this video. Christina’s just waaaay too hot. The song isn’t that bad either… if you’re into that kind of stuff. My only real complaint was the weird “getting covered in ink” segment. But yeah, two thumbs way up.

Score: 8.5

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