She was the girl of my dreams back in 2000…

Remember back in the day when Britney looked like this?

And now a days she looks like this:

Seriously, what the fuck happened?! At one point in time, every single straight man, lesbian woman, and bisexual person in the world wanted to bang the shit out of this girl. Now-a-days, Britney Spears is little more than tabloid fodder. And to make it even worse, she’s assembled a team of superstars, i.e. Paris Hilton, to to party with.

I guess the reason why this bothers me so much is that at one point in time, I wrote at least one article a week about this broad. I was absolutely obsessed with Britney and, not to get into too much detail, her music videos helped me make it through some very very lonely nights.

Many experts say that the moment exact moment in time when Britney started her decent into unpopularity was her cheating on Justin Timberlake. I say fuck that. Who cares if she cheated… if she’s hot, she’s still hot. Getting married to K-Fed and having two kids with him didn’t help, but that is still a pretty weak explanation because Pamela Anderson appears to be marrying another douchebag every week and she’s still hot as hell. I really thought long and hard about it, and I’ve come up with 3 reasons why Britney has fallen from grace.

1. She’s no longer 17. “America loves hot white jailbait ass.” I think that that’s my favorite quote from Family Guy, and I don’t think that there are any truer words. I mean, any time some skinny blonde girl goes missing the media is all over it because they know people will tune in. Even after she was legal, she retained her hotness, but nothing compared to her pre-”legal” days. There’s something about forbidden fruit that makes us lust after it more.

2. Skankfactor. After JT, Britney has been rumored to hook up with a ton of dudes. I can’t think of many of them at the moment, but the I think the one that done her in was Kevin Federline. I mean, Kevin Federline?! Granted, he’s slightly cooler than Spencer, but I think the thing that most people thought after hearing about Britney and Kevin as a couple was “If that moron can bag Britney, anyone can.” It’s like how you wanted those Air Jordans back in middle school and when you got them it felt really cool. However when everybody else started getting a pair, you didn’t want them anymore.

Actually it’s nothing like that. Moving on…

Oh by the way, before I do, I know everyone in the world has watched the Nationwide commercial that aired during the Super Bowl… but I can’t get enough of it. I also heared that Taco Bell offered Mr. Federline a job. And in other K-Fed news, I saw him challenging John Cena for the WWE title a few weeks ago. Hand to God. I don’t know who won or whatever, but I really felt bad for the WWE, which has probably fallen further in the public mind since the late 90s than Britney has. Man I feel like one of those shitty celeb blogs that are popping up all over the place now…

3. She has let herself go. Looking hot for decades is something that is really hard to do, but definitely attainable. Heather Locklear is a prime example (even though her recent escapades with David Spade are questionable…). Britney doesn’t have that supertight body that she once had, and I’m saying that she should stay 110 and toned all over, but she’s in the public eye all the time, and because she is, she should look after herself a little bit better.

I mean, could you imagine if there were a Britney Spears crotchshot pictures back in 2001?! I’m sure entire websites would have arisen dedicated solely to Brit’s poonani. Fuck, my old website was basically dedicated to Brit’s poonani. Now, when we finally got some southern exposure from Britney, there were definitely more “eews” than there were “ahhhs”.

Now I am not saying that Britney still couldn’t pull a major comeback and once again rule the hearts and boners of young males everywhere, and even in her current state she’s 1000 times hotter than any girl that I’ll ever be with, but God, it makes me so sad to see how far she has fallen. However I believe that in a couple of short years we’ll all look back as Britney moves from “not” to “hot.” It has to happen. It will happen.

Or not.