Alizee starts getting down and nasty on the dance floor. It would kind of been hot if she didn’t look like she was 12 in this video.

Here’s a really old write-up I did for one of Alizee’s first music videos. She’s since become a huge star and internet fap material… but let us reminisce about the days when Alizee was just a little Lolita…

Alizee: Moi… Lolita

Let’s face it; France is not known for being one of the cooler nations on the planet. Just saying “France” conjures up images of the French bending over for Hitler or mimes or arrogant bastards. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the French (in fact, I have some French relatives), it is just the way things are.

As the majority of you know by now, we here at kontona.com are big fans of pop music (well, at least I am). One day, I was surfing for porn researching articles for the site, I happened to stumble across Alizee, the French mega-pop star extraordinaire. Think French Britney Spears with dark hair, smaller breasts, and a fondness for snails and cheese.

Okay, maybe she’s nothing like Britney aside from the fact that she’s a young pop star. Also like Britney or BoA or any other young female star, the majority of her fans aren’t teeny boppers, but horny middle-aged men and lonely nerds like me. That’s why I thought it’d be appropriate for me to introduce Alizee to you guys by reviewing her video, Moi… Lolita.

Quick note before I begin the review. This video is a couple of years old, so Alizee was really young in it (16 I believe). She was still cute though. If you guys have seen any pictures of her lately, or her video J’en Ai Marre, you should know that she’s got dat fiyah now. For the past week, I’ve been on an Alizee kick, and I’ve d/l’ed basically everything by her.

Things start off in rural France where some old guy is giving Alizee some money. There’s some dialogue, but since I am only able to understand French on Thursdays, I have no clue what they are saying, so I will improvise. I think the guy is giving Alizee some money for getting some brain, since the song is called Moi Lolita (which roughly translates into I am a young cocktease).

The guy seems to be your typical French country bumpkin dude. I think the director of the video could have spiced thing up by having R. Kelly in it. Of course, R. Kelly would have wanted to piss on her or something, but I think the benefits far outweigh the negatives.

Alizee comes home and immediately her mother realizes something is different about her daughter. Maybe Alizee has that aftersex glow or that her mother is angry because she looks like Ronald MacDonald or Wondergirl. Whatever the reason, she flies into a rage and kicks Alizee and her younger sister out of the house.

I just realized this, but Alizee kind of has that Alyssa Milano thing going on. No seriously. She isn’t as cool as Alyssa because she’s never had her own Team Steam hotline or tapdance with Tony Danza with bottlecaps at the bottom of her shoes, but she might one day. I’m rooting for you Alizee. You are the boss.

Like every single other video that involves a young girl leaving town, Alizee and her little sister board a bus and head to the big city. It’s pretty dramatic, because it is so predictable. I’ll let you fill in the blanks. ________ boards the bus and leaves, but __________ comes at the last moment and _________. It’s shit we’ve seen a million times.

You might be curious as to what the two girls do when they get to the city. Do they struggle for food and resort to eating out of dumpsters? Where do they live? Will they survive? The video doesn’t answer any of these questions, because it just has the two going to a nightclub.

WTF?! I’ve been shocked by some of the crazy shit I’ve seen in K Pop before, but this is seriously messed up. How’d Alizee get into the club? How did Alizee’s little sister, who couldn’t be more than 5 years old, get into a night club?! This really upset me (for about 5 mintues), but then I realized that this video was filed in France, where the rules are entirely different. Damn you France.

Back to the video: Alizee starts getting down and nasty on the dance floor. It would kind of been hot if she didn’t look like she was 12 in this video. All these creepy dudes try to get up on her and there’s this broad with glittered hotpants dancing around. I think I saw a mime in the club too. France rules!

Alizee is setting a bad example, because her five year old sister starts busting a move too. Hmmm… I just thought of something. What if the song isn’t about Alizee being a Lolita, but her little sister being one. Okay, I’m going to end this review before it gets any more disturbing.

Moi… Lolita is an okay video. There are better videos by Alizee, but I thought that this one was a good one to start with. The song… bleh. The video… bleh. It’s better than average, but not by much. Nabakov would be semi-impressed.

Score: 5.8

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